Session IX, part one:
Procrastination:
Protecting yourself by putting things off until the last minute.
If you are a procrastinator you are likely to speak of it casually ? as if it?s no big deal (albeit annoying), or as if you?re the person it most impacts. Procrastination is one of those somewhat ?acceptable? defenses. Everyone does it to some degree. Putting off that difficult phone call we don?t want to make, leaving that cluttered closet untouched, neglecting to file taxes until the last possible moment?or even beyond. We all understand procrastination so we very often tend to let it slide ? for others and for ourselves. But when it comes to chronic procrastination, this is no casual matter ? this is an undermining, self- and other-sabotaging mechanism that severely inhibits personal (and often professional) growth. So, instead of glossing over this particular defense try looking it dead in the eye. If you do so you?ll find your life getting better right away!
Oops?I?ve done it again!
Twas the eve of ole Xmas
And all through the house
There was shouting and mewing
About Sam being a louse!
For the season had come
As it did every year
But still Sam was surprised
That again gift time was here.
Sue cried and she moaned
Nearly tearing hair out
For now what would they do?
To get on Santa?s route!
Turns out, all year round
Sam displayed his slow ways
But only on Xmas
Did it bring major dismay.
Overlooked by most friends
And his dear wife as well
Sam usually ignored the big impact
Of his own defensive ?tell.?
But Sam?s procrastination you see
Took far more than it seemed
Reducing productivity
As well as undermining his dreams.
Yes, Sam needed to look
Beyond his own nose
For his putting things off
Was causing others to suppose
That he could not be counted on
To be consistent and true
And that his priorities
Would never include you!
If only he?d start
To step up to the plate
He?d find his life uplifted
And many things great!
So the moral of the tale
Though you may not think it?s true
Is when defense runs your life
Others are dragged down too.
Think not only of yourself
When you imagine changing your ways
Those around you will also enjoy
What the new you brings to the day!
· Start by making a thorough list of all the areas in which you procrastinate. Be certain to include less obvious places (I procrastinate getting out of the door, I procrastinate returning phone calls, I procrastinate starting my new eating program).
· Once you have identified how and when you tend to use this defense, make a companion list showing the results of your hesitations. (My procrastination getting out of the door makes me frequently late; When I don?t return phone calls my friends often get angry; I?m constantly dissatisfied with how I look.)
· Now make a list of what you would have to do differently to change these procrastination behaviors. Try one for two solid weeks. Write about the feelings that arise when you attempt to do things differently.
Now go even further. Ask the hard questions: #1) how does my behavior impact those around me? And the even harder question: #2) what do I get out of these behaviors. When asking these questions remember to be creative in your search for ?true? answers. Go beyond your first or even second thoughts. When we get down to the nitty-gritty we usually have a physical or emotional response ? like the hair standing up on the back of our neck, or a quick, unplanned gasp. For instance, my lateness keeps me from truly fulfilling my life and therefore keeps me from being completely successful (which is something I do to maintain the myth that ?rescue? is just around the corner, which is what never happened in my childhood). As you might guess it takes a series of questions to get to this point. Of course, even this answer is but an initiation to a deeper exploration.
Session IX part two:
Withholding:
Protecting yourself by holding back emotionally and/or physically.
What a perfect season to be driven nuts by the withholding individual. With their apparent lack of enthusiasm, their silence, and their refusal to let us know what they want or need or feel ? it?s just hard to muster that holiday feeling! Withholders can truly try our patience (I wonder what he thinks of me; I wish I knew whether she likes that gift or not; What a party pooper!) But if you think it?s troublesome to be around these folks you should try imagining what it?s like to live inside the mind and body of the withholder. At best those who use withholding as a defense face life as a dull, uninspiring drill. At worst, they are riddled with dissatisfaction, resentment and even long-time anger. Underneath it all they are mostly (unconsciously) afraid that opening the expression damn will begin an uncontainable and embarrassing flood of feeling?a flood in which they will surely drown.
Once upon a time there was a man who longed for love. Or so he said. For many, many years he dated numerous women ? but over and over true love escaped him. Somehow, no matter how carefully he chose these women, no matter how well they fit his list of requirements, in the end things always fell apart. And fairly quickly too - since the collapse usually only took three, four or maybe six months. The man moaned, what could be the problem?
When asked, the fellow described himself as kind, thoughtful, loving, gentle and reasonably patient. And indeed, for the most part ? deep down - he did seem to have these qualities. The problem was, the man mostly kept his kindness, his thoughtfulness and his loving qualities to himself. Only his patience and gentleness actively showed. It was as if he was ?saving? these other attributes for the ?right? woman. Or, as if he didn?t really understand how to actually evidence these other qualities.
Coworkers also knew little of the man behind the apparent gentle patience. When it came to interactions he answered questions generically (avoiding truly personal conversation), and asked little of others. He kept his nose to the grindstone ? doing his work diligently and thoroughly. All in all, no one around him had a real sense of who this man truly was, of how he felt, of what he thought about, and of how much he liked or didn?t like those he encountered.
Long ago the forlorn man had been a little boy in a fairly sullen household ? where tender, intimate communication was at a premium. His parents, although nice enough, seemed mostly passionless. Life was just something you got through. They passed this belief on to their little boy who had started out as most children do ? full of joy and hope and excitement. But it doesn?t take long to learn the rules. To shut down if shutting down is what?s called for. And so he did.
One day this man decided he should figure things out ? maybe discover where all the reluctance to be visible (that?s what his ?Dr? said it was) started. So ? kicking and screaming in his silent way ? he joined a workshop. And there an astonishing thing occurred. The man cried, and got himself comforted and comforted others and opened up as never before. By the end of only two days he looked like a new person. Someone a woman might recognize as a person available for love. Others in his workshop told him so. He seemed exhilarated.
But change, like most things, takes consistent effort and diligence?and courage. And although even the man himself recognized that he?d opened his heart in a way he never had and that there was promise in this opening, he chose to one more time disappear ? never returning to his inner work ? never continuing to face the demons that for so long had him by the throat.
A year has passed since that particular monumental weekend. Sadly enough the man?s stories remain the same. Love still eludes him?and still he wonders why.
Change is a matter of choice. Do not let the coming year be a mere repetition of all that has gone before. Be brave. Find people who will tell you the truth about yourself and stay close to them. They are your greatest hope for a new life.
Give yourself and those around you an incredible holiday gift ? DISCOVER YOUR TRUEST SELF, AND SHARE THAT DISCOVERED SELF! Move forward in the face of your fears.
§ Take three days to create a list of all the things you say TO YOURSELF that never actually get spoken aloud. Be thorough, even including those things you feel to be ?unimportant? (I wish I had someone to call ? I?m kinda bored; She always looks at me like I?m an alien or something; I?d like to say something, but I have no idea what to say.)
§ Now, once a day for one week try speaking your mind ? no matter how simple the statement seems (I don?t know what to say; That blouse is lovely; What will you be doing this weekend?)
§ At this point the big adventure begins. Try Taking Contrary Action ? that means whatever you usually do ? do the opposite. Like, instead of rejection new ideas and experiences-try them; or instead of staying at home, go participate with friends. If you can make this effort twice a week your entire life is certain to change. This is a great time to start this particular work, as you are certain to find yourself having the opportunity to join several social circumstances you might ordinarily turn down.
To further explore the defense of Withholding see Stuck In The Story No More pages 194?197, or The Stuck No More Workbook pages 35, 122-123, and 158.