Welcome to the short-term, grab-it-all gratification age - a time when everybody wants everything right now! We must have the newest upgrades for our computers because the old one is just too slow. We want to microwave, shortcut and cut corners while slurping down instant soup. And not only do we want it all lickity split - all is never enough. This constant, quick trigger, never-to-be-filled desire leads us to what is called compulsivity- a process that tumbles us over and over down a slippery slope.
          Compulsivity, it turns out, is the purview of the child. That means, when we're being propelled by our "must have" mechanisms, the child (inside us) is in the drivers seat. Not a very comforting image is it?

          So exactly what's with all the push and shove and need anyway? Well, mainly we are trying to quiet the outside/inside noise by numbing out. If I don't feel it maybe I won't have to face it. If I don't face it maybe it will go away. It's a bad solution to shame and pain and fear and doubt for, as with so many things, eventually the cure is worse than the disease.

          As usual, then, the key will be to face your fears and yourself. But to do that you will need to contain the compulsivity first. So check out your behavior-and your thoughts. The defense of compulsivity can find us in the sneakiest ways. Sure it includes things like drugs, alcohol, sex and food. But it also snakes its way into our lives through work, gambling, fantasizing, spending and even certain kinds of loving. Again, be rigorous in your self-assessment.

He Just Couldn't Help It
          A number of years ago a tall, handsome, energetic man strode into my office. He was charming, funny, articulate - and talked with the speed of a rapidly moving train. Right away he let me know he was a recovering alcoholic/drug addict on his third try at sobriety. He'd previously managed to put together a bit of time, and once he'd even had over a year - but then something would go wrong and he'd find himself once more in the grip of his addiction. He thought perhaps his horrible childhood history was at play. Maybe looking at that would help.
          I was, naturally, excited. Although this interesting man's pattern was clear for all to see, I had faith that if he really wanted it his future life could be different from his past life. We started to work.
          The sessions were challenging. The man's attention span was short and he seemed more interested in making me laugh than on doing any profound work. Still, we persisted. Sometimes he appeared quite vulnerable - telling me how all he wanted was a good job, a partner, a decent life. He was getting help with the cost of therapy but meanwhile there were days when he didn't even have money to put gas in his car.
          Slowly things started to change. He was in a twelve-step program, which he attended rigorously, and although he kept buzzing around - often staying on the surface of things - in his personal work at least he was consistently showing up. He even committed to the difficult workshop series I offer.
His work in those series was sketchy at best, but even so his life began to improve and miracle or miracles - he got a terrific job. He began making great money and then, the best of all, he fell in love. The object of his passionate affections was beautiful, smart and caring. Of course, she had some compulsivity of her own - for truly she was a full- blown codependent.
          Now with a terrific job and a beautiful woman at his side the energetic, charming man found himself in need of a new "fix". You see, the symptoms were being treated, but the profound nature of the difficulties inspiring the symptoms were only being dealt with in the most superficial of ways. He started showing off through spending - needing more and more outward signs of his growing success - a better car, high priced vacations, the flashy financial supporting of family members in need. Meanwhile, the debts he'd accumulated during the lean years plagued him. His frustration grew. He wanted to be rewarded for his sobriety efforts. It all needed to be fixed NOW.
          Sadly enough, as you might guess, the story ends badly. The man lost his way after 2 and ½ years of sobriety. Not only did he lose it - he lost it in a huge fashion. He became increasingly mean and destructive - both to himself and towards the woman he purported to love. Eventually, he landed (briefly) in jail, accumulated a couple of felonies, lost his job (he showed up to it one day stoned on Heroin - a drug he'd never even done before!), lost his girlfriend and, even as we speak, he will have to start all over again-if he can. (On a side note: the beautiful, clever, beloved partner began a great challenging struggle of her own. She needed to get over the idea that it was all her fault - that saving him had been a real possibility and that somehow it was she that had blown it!)

Getting A Grip
          What could the poor fellow previously described have done differently; After all, he was in a 12-step program (and had also gone to rehab), went to therapy with a particularly rigorous therapist, and actually got on the road to turning his life around. Well, in this man's case there were two real problems: the first was an inability to be thoroughly, rigorously honest-with himself and with others; and the second was a huge, life-threatening arrogance that rested firmly on a deep, self-loathing. It broke my heart to watch this man suffer so - but in the case of compulsivity (perhaps in all cases of any kind) the individual is the only one in charge of overcoming interior obstacles.
          With this defense, as with all defenses, the very first thing that must always be discovered is the payoff of the "negative" behavior. The fellow here depicted found that sobriety, work and love asked him to be an adult, which for him was such a loathsome process (he characterized it as "dull"). Maintaining it was something he simply could not do. He would have had to be willing to find the joy in life on life's terms. He would have needed to take REAL responsibility for the way he'd participated in the destructive aspects of his life-starting in childhood. He would have needed to give up the ideas that chaotic intensity equals aliveness and that image equals success. What ideas will you have to give up to face and conquer your demons?

• Begin by being deciding to be brave enough to ? just for today - contain one form of compulsive behavior. Recognize and note the feelings that come up in anticipation of doing this (what are you most afraid will happen if you stop over-eating, over-drinking, over-spending, over-fantasizing, over-sexing etc?), in the middle of doing it, and after completing the period of containment to which you commit. Of course, this is a case of more is really better, so if you can go on, day by day, for a period of 30 days that would be amazing. If you do this please connect with others about the feelings that arise during this period. Or email me so I can help walk you through it!
• You?re probably noticing you have some time on your hands, as compulsivity usurps both our emotional and our literal resources! Strike out in a new direction by finding some (healthy) activity to take the place of the compulsive behavior you usually engage in.
• Notice how you feel now about the people around you. Are they supportive of your new endeavor? Are they heavily engaged in the behavior you?re trying to contain? Now that you're a little pulled away from that behavior, how does it look to you on others?

To further explore the defense of Compulsivity see Stuck In The Story No More pages 183-187, and The Stuck No More Workbook pages 32, 118-119, and 156.

A Closer Look
          Underneath all the compulsive behavior you are most likely to find a terrible feelings of powerlessness (being uncomfortable in your own skin and out of control about your own life). Remember always: compulsivity is the symptom not the problem. To discover the problem and the source of the problem start looking back at your childhood. What was it like to be brought up in your house? What kinds of responses did you have to what's gone on? Write about power and powerlessness, and about how they pertain to you and your life today.

Session VIII, part two:
Chaos:
Protecting yourself through vast, disordered confusion.

Faye And Her Storm Of A Life

There once was a woman named Faye
Who couldn't get out of her own way
She'd frown and she'd fret
She'd be full of regret
But she just couldn't stay out of the fray.

Faye's days were a mess
Full of struggle and strife
And she constantly felt
She had a burden called life

When others would wonder
How did things get this way?
She'd shrug them off spouting
"You can't understand what it's like to be Faye!"

Fay's partners were bad,
All her jobs she did hate
Her life was a mess
And she thought it was fate

But what Faye didn't get
Was that SHE held the key
And that living in disorganized, overwhelmed catastrophe
Is not the way it needs to be!

Getting In Out Of The Rain
          Faye's life is out of control. Everything around her reports this fact. Her relationships are always falling apart, her jobs are never satisfying, her home is a mess - in fact, whatever can go wrong does go wrong and she's constantly overwhelmed by it all. The first way to approach this defense will be containment.

• Start by making a list of all the things you do to contribute to the chaos in your life. (Be specific and cover as many areas as you can: I never remember where I put anything, I overbook my time, and I'm always running late.)
• Choose one new thing every three days & try to proceed differently in that area (I will get a key hook and hang my keys on the hook whenever I get home, I will make certain I'm never doing more than 3 things on any given day, I will leave much more time than I think I need when going somewhere and will NEVER answer the phone when it rings as I'm leaving the house). If your form of chaos is something like never knowing where anything is you may want to spend all your time for the next two weeks on that area. Do the doable. It's important that you come out of this exercise with a sense of possibility.
• Write about the feelings that come up for you when there is less chaos. Imagine (on paper) the difference in your quality of life.

To further explore the defense of Chaos see Stuck In The Story No More pages 180-182, and The Stuck No More Workbook pages 31, 116-117, and 156.

A Closer Look
          Obviously, it is easy to get consumed with the "events" this defense creates. But as usual this defense protects something even more difficult than a drama filled life! One thing for certain - while your attention is on how to get yourself out of the latest mess, or on how to survive the newest trauma, you are unlikely to be plagued with deep vulnerability (who has time?), or the challenge of true intimacy. Start tracing the roots of this need to complicate things. Assume you are at the center of the storm (as opposed to a victim of it). Where did you learn that a chaotic life is acceptable? Did you come from a chaotic childhood home (describe it in writing), or were there so many rules you're now breaking out (describe the rules in writing)? How do you think your life would be different if it were free of chaos (give first answers, not right answers)?