Dr. Nicki J. Monti

Session VII, part one:
Control:
Protecting yourself by exercising
a regulating or directing influence.

            This defense is so common that it has even wandered an adjectival crooked path into our daily lexicon - as in “control freak.” Now we fling this phrase around almost braggingly, or, at the very least, humorously. As if being controlling has no deleterious repercussions – like undermining any ability we might have to receive (caring, consideration, cooperation) - like driving away others who cannot bear the constant intrusions – like the way our perpetual need to control so often fills us with anxiety.
            And we fling the phrase around as if the need to control does not imply a lack of faith. But that’s precisely what it does imply, for control keeps its eye keenly trained on outcome, and as such robs us of true present-moment experience, while at the same time revealing our inability to trust in something greater than ourselves. Actually, our “job” in life is to carefully attend to process, letting the result chips fall where they may. Not the most pleasant or comforting idea, for most of us controlling types live in terror, thinking that if we don’t hold on with all our might everything – and I mean everything -will collapse. Then where will we be, we think.
            By the way, if you’re not sure whether this defense applies to you ask a few friends or co-workers. Because this is (unfortunately!) such an acceptable way to walk through the world they are certain to tell you honestly - often with a guffaw.

It’s Ken’s Way or The Highway
           Ken worries about everything and everybody. From his point of view almost no one does things how or when they should. For Ken life is a job – a job he’s better suited to than most. Naturally, he feels the burden of his superiority. Not that he sees himself as feeling better than others – he simply thinks there’s a wrong way to do things and then there’s a right way – which is, naturally, his way!
            Controlling the world is no easy task and Ken is tired nearly all the time. He rushes from project to project - organizing, insisting, complaining, advising, analyzing and instructing. The projects invariably get done – and beautifully at that – nevertheless Ken seldom feels satisfied. Of course, it doesn’t help that the stringent standards he imposes on others are the same awful, impossible standards he lays out for himself.
            Needless to say it’s difficult to support Ken. Because he has the idea that he’s got to do everything himself, he always ends up doing everything himself! Since other people’s efforts are so often greeted with scorn or frustration, the folks around him all-too-often feel unable to competently step up.
            Ken developed his need to control early on – in a (childhood) home fraught with tempestuous natures and chaotic circumstances. At first Ken simply got neat! He organized his room and surroundings within an inch of their lives. All his little shirts lay in neat rows in his drawers. His socks were color-coded and always free of holes. His toys were stored carefully in a special box. His handwriting was tiny and looked more typewritten than handwritten.
            When Ken’s parents fought, which they did constantly and loudly, Ken would   reason with them, trying to organize their rude passion into rational form. It never worked but Ken never stopped trying.
            Still today Ken will shut down a fight – refusing to allow the participants to continue. For himself, he has refused most feelings beyond the irritation that usually accompanies his frustration about an unacceptably done job. People find it difficult to get close to Ken and therefore he maintains the fiction that no one really cares about him the way they should.

Learning To Let Go
            Ken evidenced his true willingness to change by immediately beginning to challenge his need to control. He did this first with containment – meaning, instead of right away telling everyone else what to do and how to proceed he held his tongue and waited – noticing then what happened as a result. This holding back immediately gave rise to great discomfort. Ken confronted this discomfort by writing about it – trying to get to the root. He started by simply recording his thoughts, however silly or redundant that may have felt to him. Eventually, he was able to see a pattern emerging – the one that began so long ago in his difficult, chaotic home. He could then recognize early triggers for his defense, as well as the current fears that encourage him to perpetuate this behavior.
            Ken’s next step was to invite contribution from those around him. This meant opening his mind to ways other than his! This effort not only revealed to him how much talented collaboration he’d been missing out on, but let him understand how thoroughly he’d been undermining his own sense of community.
            In the long run Ken discovered the joys of letting go of control. Today his life is more fun and his anxieties are far less consuming. Others who know him report great change. They see him now as one able to support real esteem in others, and at the same time recognize him for his terrific managerial skills.

When tackling this defense the first and most important thing to do is to look at the fear that fuels your need to control. What do you think would happen if you stopped trying to take charge of so many situations (and people) in your life?
In what areas and with what kinds of people are you most likely to attempt to exert control? What are the so-called “good” reasons you have for doing this (my kids would do nothing if I didn’t tell them exactly what to do, my partner never helps out unless I organize him to do so, I’m the only one who seems to care enough to get the job done, it’s easier to just do it myself than to explain it to someone else)?
What precisely are your favorite ways of exhibiting control (direct instructions, non-verbal communications such as eye-rolling, bossiness)? Be rigorous here – these are difficult self-assessments to face.

To further explore the defense of Control see Stuck In The Story No More pages 105-109 and the Stuck No More workbook pages 16, 94- 95 and 148.

A Closer Look
How old were you when you first started feeling that it was up to you to take charge or make things work? What was going on around you that fueled this decision? If you gave up being the grand director what feelings do you suspect would surface. Try containing your controlling ways for three days. Do not try this for three days in a row, but instead separate these days by “conscious” days of control. Really take a good look at the ways in which you operate, and write about the feelings that come up for you during these times.

Session VII, part two:
Co-dependence:
Protecting yourself through excessive self-reliance on people or things
to define your self-worth.

            Co-dependence is one of the most pervasive (and well-supported!) of all the defenses. Generally we love people who do too much for us, work too hard, and make certain things turn out the way they should!
            Unfortunately, for these over-zealous caretakers the watchword is control, which, as previously discussed, means focus on outcome. In the case of codependency this need to control is frequently coupled with a lack of personal boundaries.
            But perhaps the worst result of this defense is for the co-dependents themselves, for these individuals quickly come to believe that people only care about them because they do so much for others. Without all the “doing”, they think there would be no love to be had. This (usually unconscious) perspective often puts many in a nearly constant state of feeling left emotionally high and dry.

The Exhausting Trio

            Once upon a time there was a man named Spencer, who had a brother named Steven and a best friend named Jake. Spencer was a sweet, well-intentioned forty-something man who had come to the (regrettable) conclusion that life is a series of random occurrences and that basically we are all on our own. In the face of this viewpoint Spencer concluded that it was entirely up to him to take care of whatever problems arose. And problems there were – in spades. First, there was brother Steven – a somewhat talented artist-type whose tendency to disorganization (and alcoholism) constantly sabotaged his professional and personal progress. Then there was Jake – a bright, creative fellow who, over the years, showed increasing signs of schizophrenia (and drug addiction, or both).
            Now, all three men lived together for over twenty years. Even when, over the years, Steven found love with kind, exciting, reasonably healthy partners, he refused (as he put it) to “abandon” his “family”. Thus, he maintained residence with brother and friend while continuing to “date” partners – no matter how much those partners seemed to mean to him.
            Eventually, these three musketeers opened a restaurant together. Unfortunately, slowly but surely that endeavor went down in flames. Mostly because Spencer was the only one holding it all together, with Jake getting stranger and stranger and Steven becoming ever more scattered and therefore less helpful. Of course, Spencer would tell you the downfall was because of 9/11 and the economy and etcetera, etcetera. But it simply isn’t true. And after the restaurant failed things went from bad to worse. Before long the three of them were evicted from their home. Steven drank more and more, while Jake slid down the slippery mental hill into a complete disrepair that began to include theft and violence. And all the time Spencer kept speaking of the importance of loyalty. Kept trying to pull things together. He got a job and continued to support them all.
            The thing is, Spencer was collapsing too – was close to a nervous breakdown which only got worse when he tried to “hold on” for the sake of the “family”.
            I’d love to be able to tell you that Spencer came around – realized the toxic extent of his codependency or that he had a spiritual awakening or some other fabulous awakening, but I can’t. When last seen Jake was in and out of jail, then in and out of a mental institution, while Steven was more constantly drunk and unable to function. Meanwhile Spencer was continuing to white knuckle his way through the situation looking like a man on the verge. The good thing that happened was that the loving partner of Spencer (the one who’d first introduced us) stayed in therapy and began to deal with his own codependence – started looking at the way he had chosen to be connected (for five years!) to this out-of-balance triangle. With great sadness he moved on…and into a new, less chaotic life. We spent the next months exploring his relationship to the “unavailable” partner with the hope that his future relationships will not have to repeat the pattern.

How Could Spencer Stop Saving The World & Save Himself!
            Freedom from codependency takes great courage. Often, as in this case, we must be cruel only to be kind. Thus, Spencer would have needed: 1) to insist his brother enter a rehab center or at least a twelve step program to deal with his alcoholism. Of course, Spencer would also have immediately refused to be around his brother when he was drinking (which would most likely have infuriated Steven and caused a painful rift); and 2) he would have had to insist Jake get psychiatric help (and/or drug rehab help) and would have refused to participate in his friends life until he was doing so. This means Spencer would not have been footing the bills, or finding the motel they were to live in, or establishing their next residence.
            Of course, this would have made Spencer feel like a terribly bad person and at that point he would have needed to look hard and long at his relationship to codependency. The intention would have been for him to discover the ways in which he was, in fact, only perpetuating his brother and his friend’s incapacity and how what looked like altruistic kindness was in actuality self-serving control. Then he would have been able to go about the business of figuring out other ways to feel important and lovable in his life.
            These are hard lessons to face and certainly not for the faint of heart. If you find yourself in this category start by admitting that your “doing-ness” is more about you than for others!

In what kinds of situation and with what kinds of people are you most likely to be “helpful”? What do you imagine would happen if you stopped helping these people?
What feelings come up for you when you are assisting others? Try for one whole day at a time doing nothing helpful (either in word or deed) and notice what feelings arise.
What do you worry about most when it comes to what other people think about you?

To further explore the defense of Co-Dependence see Stuck In The Story No More
Pages 96-101, and The Stuck No More workbook pages 14, 91-92, and 147.

A Closer Look
Begin by defining self-worth. What things were most valued in your home when you were growing up? Who in your family did you need to take care of? What were the rewards of that behavior way back then? Who do you think would still remain in your life if you stopped trying to rescue, help, advise, instruct or assist everyone?