Session VI: part one:
Masking:
Protecting yourself by saying one thing
while feeling or thinking another.
Putting on a happy face, looking as if things are just rolling off our backs, appearing implacable – these are all widely accepted, even promoted attitudes and actions. But all-too-often how people appear does not reflect how they feel. Creating this false front has truly become an art form. In fact, many have gotten so good at it, they themselves no longer know where their true selves leave off and the mask begins. This disconnection from the authentic self leaves them vaguely dissatisfied and empty.
Certainly we believe there are all kinds of “good” reasons to keep our true feelings and thoughts a secret. Nobody really wants to know, we tell ourselves. It’s not appropriate to speak of these things, we decide. Pretending is expected and allows us to fit in, we believe.
Soon we start believing people only like or love us because of the presentation. If we were “real,” we wonder, would they still feel the same way?
Here’s the truth: If you live a life of passionate integrity, you will experience a life well lived. The REAL you, the authentic, talk-from-the-heart you, is the most lovable and best you. Yes, it’s true not everyone will appreciate what you have to say or who you truly are, but those who do will be the best possible people to have in your life. Actually, far more people than you can imagine will love the authentic version of you. Of course, you will need to find out how to speak your truth in hearable ways, but that’s easier to learn than you may think.
Sylvia’s Mask
For as long as anyone can remember Sylvia has been known for her cool serenity. To look at her you’d never guess she had a disturbing care in the world. Rarely did she express a harsh word, even in the difficult world of design – a world littered with dramatic events and outlandish personalities. Still, Sylvia managed to maintain her apparently easy countenance while standing in the center of the storm. In fact, to nearly everyone who knew her she came to be known as Buddha.
Meanwhile, underneath the calm exterior Sylvia had been, for many years, collapsing. Inside she was screaming, flooded with tears, and stressed to the breaking point. If you looked really closely you might have recognized these tears and fissures in the repetitive way her businesses kept collapsing – although at a glance the collapses always seemed reasonable. And you could see Sylvia’s interior problems reflected in the unhealthy primary relationship she was tenaciously holding on to. Maybe if she worked hard enough he’d stop drinking, she’d imagine. But of course he never did.
As it turns out Sylvia was still stuck in a terrible history that included an incestuous father – a history that had never been completely explored or healed. Thus, that unhealed history was spilling like toxic waste into her current life choices. Her creative life was being undermined, her partnership life was in shambles and worst of all – in order to keep the (incest) secret, she’d had learned to keep everything hidden. Now, in her thirties, she had become a woman unable to speak her truth – unable to choose visibility over invisibility. What appeared to those around her as serenity was really a mask of secretiveness. What no one knew, she reasoned, could not hurt her.
Taking Off The Mask
Learning how to remove your mask is much like learning the game of chess – the rules are pretty simple, but playing the game is extremely challenging! Sylvia began where we all must - by looking her history directly in the eye and by telling her story (meanwhile trying not to focus on what others would think of her). Let us be clear: the telling of your historical tale is not aimed towards encouraging self-pity or reinforcing in you a sense that you are a victim. It is simply meant to bring truth out into the light of day - because such exposure takes away the story's power. You see, secrets grow like moldy fungus inside you, slowly but surely climbing over all your interior walls - thereby blocking out light and undermining possibility. Freedom from stuckness begins with truth telling.
But revealing untold or seldom told secrets is not the only solution. Then the real work begins, for now, as in Sylvia’s case, you must face the feelings that were kept under wraps for so long. This can be difficult and certain tenderness is required for those uncovered feelings to be honored. Start by speaking up when hurt by those around you and by asking for your (specific) needs to be met. In these ways you begin to claim your rightful, visible place. All of this Sylvia did. It meant ending the toxic relationships she was in, which in turn meant turning to Faith - faith that where she was going was better than where she had been.
Today Sylvia still searches for the great primary relationship she deserves (the brave work she did on her own behalf was only completed this spring), but she is back on track creatively (in fact, better than ever), has a new ever growing business, wonderful, respectful people in her life and (much of the time) an ability to express her great truth.
Begin your own search for ways to remove the mask you wear:
To further explore the defense of Masking see Stuck In The Story No More pages 133-137, and the Stuck No More workbook pages 22, 103-104 & 151.
A Closer Look
Where did you first learn that hiding your true, authentic self was a good idea? How was uniqueness regarded in your family? What is the thing you are most afraid will happen if you tell people what you really think and feel?
Session VI, part two:
Self-Contempt:
Protecting yourself by using
excessive expressions of self-disdain
Self-Contempt is a conspicuous, pernicious gremlin nibbling its way through the very fabric of our society. It shows up obviously in everything from compulsivity to shame. It reveals itself more subtly in the way it encourages self-consciousness, comparing and withdrawal. Self-contempt begins inside us and leaks onto those around us, damaging, as it does so, both the atmosphere and the actual experience of everyone it touches.
Penetrating and reducing the power of the defense called Self-Contempt is vital – not only for those of us who are immersed in it – but for the society in which we live – for the ways in which we damage ourselves will surely be the ways in which we damage the world at large. The collective reflects the individual and the individual is responsible for the path of the collective.
Don‘t Cry for him, Oh Susanna!
Susanna is what, in the old days, used to be called “a great gal.” She’s generous, well intentioned, hard working (like a turbo engine!), loud, controlling and dear. Everybody likes Susanna but she’s always been a moving target you couldn’t hit, so few could give back to her what she gave to them.
For nearly four decades Susanna was married to Phil. Now Phil was a regrettable character – undermining, self-centered, raging, unsuccessful and, in fact, down right mean. Phil had a long-standing habit of pointing out to Susanna all her flaws and so-called faults. She was too fat, he said. Too loud, he said. Couldn’t learn enough to change, he insisted. She had ruined his life, he stated. Susanna kept trying to make things better. Worked on her body. Developed a lucrative business (which mostly supported them and their two children). Took care of everything and everyone. Meanwhile, Phil’s best idea was an affair – which he had and which he told Susanna about. Still, she was willing to forgive and forget. Get back on track. Heal the relationship. She moved them to another city – away from “the other woman.” But, Phil wouldn’t break it off and, of course, the other woman wasn’t really the problem anyway.
No matter what, nothing Susanna did was enough and although Phil had been the one who’d broken the relationship trust he constantly characterized himself as the victim. He got meaner and meaner. Finally, against protest, he left to return to the other woman.
Why would a good, nice woman like Susanna put herself in such an awful situation for so long? The answer is simple – Self-Contempt. The problem was never Phil in the first place – the problem was Susanna’s hatred of herself. Phil (whose own toxic levels of self-contempt well exceeded the national limit!) only reflected back to her the self-contempt that lived inside like a dormant virus waiting to be stimulated.
Starting Over
The last thing in the world fifty-something Susanna wanted to do was get divorced. For years her children had begged her to do so, but to her it felt like failure. Besides which, Susanna was (unconsciously) trying to prove to her (dead) critical father that she was worth something. She’d come from a family where the “boy” was respected and educated and the girl was little more than a second thought. Still, she had greatly risen in the world – proving to one and all how bright and accomplished she truly was – no matter what dad believed. The problem was she’d never come to believe it herself. She rarely felt she’d done enough or done well enough. So naturally she found a partner who would reinforce her own inner doubt. Needless to say the work was to penetrate her self-contempt and to help her see how truly special she was. Naturally, she worked as hard to confront those inner demons - to prove her worth (to dad and to Phil). The hard work paid off.
Today Susanna has a new life…a life without Phil. She is constantly wined and dined by the people in her life who love her and who have been patiently waiting to show their respect and support. She is on the road to true self-appreciation and is now able to change all the relationships in her life – including her relationship to her two children – who themselves are now learning new ways of talking (respectfully) to their mom.
Begin your own search for ways to tame your self-contempt:
To further explore the defense of Self-Contempt see Stuck In The Story No More p. 145-149 and the Stuck No More Workbook pages 24, 106-107, and 152.
A Closer Look
When did your self-contempt first start? Who in your family would be most unhappy if you were to hugely succeed and be proud of that fact? (This is a difficult question to answer. Be as rigorous as you can; go beneath your first temptation, which might be to insist on “their” good wishes) If you gain freedom from self-contempt what are you most afraid would happen (for instance, you’d be arrogant, no one would take care of you, you wouldn’t know who you are)? Think well and hard about this last question – it’s likely to be more difficult to answer than you might at first guess.