Perfectionism is an attempt to control (and avoid) what you feel by focusing on flawless, impeccable, unimpeachable doing. [A] Confusion between literal perfection and either thoroughness or excellence is often promoted by our misunderstanding of the meaning of such concepts as “aiming high” or “doing our best.” The problem is that “perfection” refers to being completely without defect. It is an absolute term that requires an absolute attitude. Excellence and thoroughness, on the other hand, are relative terms that are associated with achieving the highest quality possible…when we’re thorough we can be inclusive…when we’re perfectionistically driven, there’s no room for error and therefore no room for a realistic sense of our own humanity…(p. 245, Stuck In The Story No More)
Obviously, this defense leaves little room for compassion, appreciation or connection. Unfortunately, it is a posture that can be quite difficult to shift – primarily because society tends to think of it as a benign “attitude”. You can hear folks almost bragging: “Oh, I’m really such a perfectionist!” Beware of those brandishing perfectionism as an enviable or laudatory style, for the fall from grace is an extremely bumpy ride!
The Curse of the monster called Perfectionism
I scoured the countryside for a “perfect” story to describe this defense, and although I found no lack, I had to keep coming back to my own perfectionistic tales. Here’s the one I give as an example in my book Stuck In The Story No More. This story nicely illustrates both perfectionism and it’s twin defense of criticism (which will be the next On-Line Experience discussed). The nasty thing about perfectionism, which can easily be seen through the regrettable tale that follows, is that we tend to aim our laser-like perfectionistic eye on others – usually leveling them in the process.
Beware of Falling Rocks: A Healing Alert
One weekend a number of years ago, I left my home in Los Angeles to attend the National Conference on Codependency in Phoenix, Arizona. Konrad decided to surprise me by taking advantage of my four-day absence to move the two enormous floor-to-ceiling bookcases from our spare bedroom to a more desirable spot in the hallway. After taking down the hundreds of books, he moved and painted the bookcases, returned the books to the shelves, and then repainted the now-empty bedroom. On top of all of this, he orchestrated the installation of track lighting above the newly positioned shelves.
I spoke to Konrad a number of times that weekend by phone, and never did he give the slightest hint of the surprise that awaited me. From the time he got home after dropping me off at the airport, to the moment he left to pick me up, he worked feverishly, day and night. He also brought in various helpers in different shifts. As I was later to realize, his exhilaration and anticipation as I walked in the door were very high.
I looked up, saw the work he’d done, and was indeed surprised. In a reaction with a length that could probably have been measured in milliseconds, I expressed my pleasure, saying something like, “Wow, look what you did.” Then almost immediately, looking up to the ceiling, I followed with, “Oh, I see a couple of holes around the track lighting. Guess you didn’t finish.” The minute the words left my lips, I reached to pull them back in. It was as if I had been momentarily possessed by my critical stepfather—the man who brought me up after my biological father’s goodbye. I was appalled at what I had said. But not any more so than my tired, stunned husband! Konrad’s face was ashen. He was deflated and defeated.
While my response to his efforts could have been regarded as nothing more than thoughtlessness or even a result of my being exhausted after an intense weekend of study, the fact is that I was displaying a defensive behavioral pattern—for in that moment, I wasn’t concerned with him. I was only concerned with me and with having been let down one more time by a man who, after all, hadn’t done his work perfectly.
Getting Rid Of The Curse
This was a bad deal – both for my husband and for myself! Not only did I undermine his generous, loving gift by rejecting his offering, I at the same time isolated myself behind my curtain of disappointment, thereby securing my own on-going commitment to loneliness. I could have apologized right away (I did!), but saying I’m sorry after you break someone’s legs is too little, too late. In the long run, to actually minimize the power of this defense two things must occur: 1) we need to contain our behavior (keep our comments to ourselves); and 2) we need to understand the fears and notions that support our perfectionistic attitudes. But we can immediately start with a hugely important recognition: there is no such thing as perfect. I repeat: perfect doesn’t exist! Perfect is a set up for self-abuse (and other abuse). In the face of perfectionism we are always going to feel like we’re not enough and believe others are letting us down. A great mantra to combat this belief is: “I’m not perfect and neither is anyone else and that’s okay!” Try repeating this mantra to yourself every free mental moment. Do that over an extended period of time (it took me a year of consistent practice) and eventually you can begin to shift your viewpoint.
Meanwhile, you’ll need to behave differently while you’re waiting to feel differently. Try taking contrary action. Notice what’s great about other people or the circumstances. Stop pointing at the faults and failures. Look at the cheese instead of the holes! Finally however, as usual no great change is likely to occur without thorough exploration of the ideas, feelings and history supporting and initiating the defense.
To further explore the defense of perfectionism see pages 241-245 in Stuck In The Story No More and pages 139-140, 47, 164 in The Stuck No More Workbook.
To move out of Perfectionism into a broader community:
A Closer Look
To find out more about your perfectionism answer the following questions: In what areas are you particularly perfectionistic? What happens when you fail? What do you imagine would happen if you got it all right?
Session V: Part 2:
Criticism:
Protecting yourself by constantly finding fault
You already know about how criticism is often inspired by the defense called perfectionism, but, as it turns out, this fickle hummingbird called criticism is happy to flit from defense to defense, gaining strength wherever it can. Self-contempt spurs it on, fear ignites it, anger makes certain it sounds and feels awful, blame uses it to take the heat off self, humor pretends its all in good fun, judgment uses it self-righteously, gossip uses it viciously, depression lets it think its got a good point, while skepticism uses it to fuel doubt. In fact, there’s probably no defense we can think of that does not to some degree turn to criticism to hammer its point home.
Of course, many confuse criticism with reasonable evaluation. In truth, the ability to evaluate and assess is a capacity gleaned from a lifetime of critical practice, but, like many capacities, it can be distorted and misused. Indeed, there is a vast difference between helpful assessment and rude criticism. You will know this difference by feel and by impact. Are you pushing people away, undermining relationship, feeling stuck in disappointment, scolding, negative, belittling, impatient, exacting, and/or unappreciative? When answering remember to look at how you treat yourself in this regard.
The Critical Appetite
There are so many critical stories to tell I hardly know where to start. Begin by re-reading my tale on perfectionism in the previous On-Line Experience. For now I’m simply going to throw a few choice lines your way to draw the critical picture:
My mother to me with regards to my appearance on the television show, The Other Half: “It was fine. Now, did you choose that outfit or did they make you wear it?”
Nearly any) woman about herself: “I’m sooo…. fat/flabby/full of cellulite/old/unattractive.”
A parent about other parents: “They just let their kid run around like a monkey – no wonder they have no manners.”
One friend to another: “Did you mean to get your haircut that way?”
One co-worker to another: “All she does is swing her loose hips and the boss jumps!”
What I’d like to do now is invite you to send in your stories of criticism. They can be about criticisms you’ve leveled at others, stories of things that have happened to you or even, critical ways you treat yourself. Great examples will be published – either with name attached or anonymously (your choice) - in an addendum to this On-Line Experience lesson.
How To Quiet the Monster
In the first place, we need to stop the critical voices – both towards others and within self. You might start by wondering – if you weren’t complaining and focusing on errors what would you be thinking about? Try, then, facing those underneath (difficult, uncomfortable) thoughts or feelings. Write about them. Feel them.
Another great direction to move in is to do exactly the opposite of what you’ve been doing. That means, instead of criticizing those around you, look for ways to compliment them. Or, rather than walking away from someone who irritates you, try sharing something intimate about yourself. Or, make a list of all the things (and people) in your life that work well. Be specific.
Finally however, as usual no great change is likely to occur without thorough exploration of the ideas, feelings and history supporting and initiating the defense.
To find out more about the defense of Criticism see Stuck In The Story No More pages 109-112 and in The Stuck No More Workbook p.17, p.96-97, p.149.
To move out of Criticism into a broader community: