Session Two, part I: Victim                                                                                             

For a long time, everywhere you looked you could see people aggressively hopping on the victim bandwagon.
No lawsuit seemed too frivolous. No accusation too outrageous. Blame was the weapon and “poor me” was the song.
We seem a bit more emboldened now. Fighting back, perhaps, against the so-called common enemies that appear to have left us less willing to accept this powerless, victim stance. But the tendency to feel wronged and to blame others for our own personal difficult experiences is a hard habit to break. The more we can realize the extremely devastating effects of this powerless perspective, the greater our chance to break out of the defense.

The Stuck In The “Poor Me” Story
The Victim Defense: Protecting yourself by focusing on feeling cheated, fooled, abused, or ignored by people and/or circumstances.

Janet sat slumped on her bed. Through the tall, slender hands that covered her long, pale face seeped a series of small bleats – like the kind an urgent, lost lamb might make. One more time she’d been dealt a low blow. One more time a man she loved had left her high and dry. What was she to do? As a single mother of two, life was difficult enough. But I always try so hard, she moaned, to keep us going. Still, it seemed impossible to catch a break.

What’s wrong with me, she wondered. Why do I keep picking these hit and run relationships! She really thought that this time was different. But no – once again a man just used her for what he could get - then fled. She knew she wasn’t asking them for too much (although they often said she was!) She just wanted the time and attention she deserved. With this man, she had really done her best to be what he wanted: to tone down her demands, to let him love her HIS way. But still, once again, the end came.

On top of that there was this craziness with her ex-husband. The endless custody battles. His financial selfishness.  Sitting there with her memories, Janet bleated and moaned over and over.  Where was she to turn? Who would help her now? 

What Could Janet Have Done In The Face Of Her Victim Feeling?
Most of us can easily identify with Janet’s feelings of being overwhelmed. Being overwhelmed makes us feel small - exaggerating any already present sense of incapacity. The trick is to be bigger than the overwhelm itself.

Right away Janet needed to recognize that the powerlessness she felt was more a reflection of her interpretation of circumstances than a report of facts. The fact is: Janet has the capacity to keep herself and her family going, and that experience has challenges. The feeling is: Life is a grueling, upward trudge with little relief. The fact is: Over and over, Janet has had the courage to adventure into new relationships where she is still discovering how to take care of herself while being with another person. The feeling is: Every relationship Janet enters eventually breaks her heart and leaves her worse off than before.

For the most part, you are, in fact, only as powerless as you believe yourself to be! The great news is: You can pull yourself free from your own victim viewpoint by: 

·        Recognizing that your feeling of being victimized is just a notion. Look again and see that the glass is half-full.

·        Writing a gratitude list appreciating all the great resources in your life. Resources are things and people that support the best “inner” you, (i.e. friends, family, creativity, spirituality).

·        Beginning to behave your way into emotional health. Make a list of self-empowering actions to take. Now begin one-by-one to take those actions.  Keep it simple so you cannot help but succeed (i.e. I will walk ten minutes today; I will tell myself I can be victorious twice today; I will make plans this week with someone who I know cares about me).

·        Making a list of the things you both think and do in order to keep yourself small; and how you can shift these behaviors.

Rewriting The Story
Feelings of powerlessness start early. From the beginning of her life, Janet had struggled to feel important. Dad, a military man, was often absent, while mom, home being overwhelmed with four kids, had little time for anything – including baby Janet. Even then, Janet would often try to be helpful, but most of the time she’d just feel like she was in the way.

Janet needed to realize that she is no longer a little, helpless, in-the-way child. She’s as important as she feels herself to be (and as she allows others to know she is). Choosing a partner who could truly love and commit to her would be an eventual step, but the first thing was learning to truly love and commit to herself.

Taking A Closer Look
Try to begin thinking about the real (secret) feelings you might have about being a strong, powerful, visible person in the world. What fear comes up? Would others become even more dependent on you? Would you have a responsibility for which you do not feel prepared? How would your life be different if you were to step into this vision of strength?

To better understand (and combat) the defense of Victim see pages 156-161 in Stuck In The Story No More, and pages 26, 109-110 and 153 in The Stuck No More Workbook.