Session XI, part one:

The defense of Terminal Uniqueness:

Protecting yourself through your feelings of

being completely different from other people and through your ideas

that you are therefore misperceived by them.

In all my years of practice, and also in my personal life, I?ve never met anyone who didn?t feel, in some fashion, alienated. We think we?re being left out of the loop. We feel as if we have our cold nose pressed up against the window while everyone else is warm and comfy inside. We think we just don?t fit in.

We pin this outsider experience on numerous things. Race, gender, looks, social status, financial status, sexual preference, religion, intelligence ? the list is endless. All of these listed things feel like red herrings to me.

My idea is that, in actuality, this alienation is, in a way, organic, which is why we all, to some degree, experience it. But from where does this organic experience of alienation originate? My answer: we begin in the womb ? in the stomach - tied by and fed through a tube called an umbilical cord. This intense, continuous, easy connection is what feels natural. But then, with not so much as a ?by your leave,? we?re kicked out (as in, booted from garden), and asked to learn to do it (the entire business of breathing, eating, nurturing etc.) for ourselves. What a rude awakening. I think perhaps, we never really get over it.

The result is: feelings of loss, aloneness and separation. Luckily, there is a ?cure? for these feelings ? difficult to achieve but definitely achievable. The cure and the key is Spirit ? a connection with that which is beyond us ? beyond our easy concepts and surpassing our limited notions. Beyond the ordinary and beyond the personal. To make this connection we must operate with intention. Preferably, daily intention. It may not come easily, but with consistent, sincere effort, come it will!

What is really being asked here is that we each make an effort to remember the original, organic, natural state of union from which we began. People are great, but they will never continuously, profoundly, eventually do ?it? for us. Even tremendous love will not do it. Nor will money, property or prestige.

Thus, it is within this reconnection to that which is greater than us that we may awaken a true sense of belonging. A faith that we are not, as we had so wrongly supposed, alone.

So check out your attachment to the defense called Terminal Uniqueness. How are your IDEAS about alienation, separation and rejection preventing you from having the delicious experience of the truly (connected) life that you deserve?!

Begin to entertain the (very difficult) idea that you have left yourself out?that YOU have been mostly in charge of your own experience of alienation. Make a list of ways this could be true (I don?t tell other people how I really feel, I stay on the side-lines, I spend a fair amount of time noticing the differences between others and me instead of noting the similarities).
Now be brave enough to try another way. Tell people how you feel, join in, notice similarities. Make the list of practical ways to confront old ways and begin to take action.
Write about what (awful) things could happen if you allow yourself to be included (lose my individuality, people won?t like me when they see who I really am). When answering this kind of question it?s always tempting to say something like: Oh, it would be great! Remember; if you really thought it would be all that great you?d already be doing it!

For more information on the defense of Terminal Uniqueness see Stuck In The Story No More pages 170-173 and The Stuck No More Workbook pages 29, 113-115, and 155.

A Closer Look

When in your childhood did you begin to believe you were different from everyone else? What things occurred to reinforce this idea? When you feel like an outsider now, what is your usual response? How do those usual responses reinforce your outsider notions? If you truly let yourself believe that you deserve to be included what previous ideas and behaviors would you have to give up?

Session XI part two:

Comparing:

Protecting yourself by measuring the way you feel against

the way others appear.

To quote my own book: ?Comparing some else?s outside self to our inside self is not only exhausting, but it?s also self-defeating.? That, however, is unfortunately what so many of us do. Other people, we think, look happier, more successful, less self-conscious, better-looking etcetera, etcetera. Of course, that?s just how they seem to us, not how it really is!

Needless to say, it is nearly impossible to live in the world today without being, to some extent, sucked into this defense. Bombarded with greedy images of perfection, extreme abundance and wild excess, deluged with advertisements that encourage and stimulate desire (for more and for something different than what we have), and constantly prodded towards accomplishment and production ? we are lucky if we?re left with any sense of inherent ?rightness? at all! How can we be enough if everything around us seems to be (dramatically) more!

The problems with self that surface from this scenario are troubling enough. On top of those, though, what also arise are the problems with others ignited by this defense. You see, whether you?re comparing yourself and your life with other people and their lives, or comparing others with some ideal notions you have about who and how people ?should? be, the one thing that remains constant is that, in the process of comparing, you are warding off the possibility of true intimacy. In consideration of that, then, comparing shows up not only as a defense against the self appreciation that can lead to ?real? fulfillment, but also becomes a powerful defense against true and profound connection. And so, increasingly, do we experience a world of inner/outer alienation.

Naturally, as usual, the need for that defense is most likely rooted in your earliest stories.

Spend a week noticing and noting (specifically) the ways in which you compare yourself (or your life) to other people.
Figure out how, when appropriate, you might actually check out some of your assumptions (Sue looks like she?s always so secure in her decisions. Now ask Sue if that assumption is true). Obviously, this is going to take a certain amount of courage, but then, real change always requires bravery!
For a time now you?ve been bemoaning your circumstances (Other people look better than I do, are happier in their jobs, have more friends). Make a list of real changes you can make. Now, little by little begin to implement some of those changes. Take baby steps. Don?t overwhelm yourself by asking too much too soon. Doing so will only guarantee retreat.

For more information see Stuck In The Story No More pages 125-129, and The Stuck No More Workbook pages 20, 100-101, and p. 150.

A Closer Look

What kinds of early lessons did you get that might lead you to comparing? How did your parents talk about other people? What did they teach you about ?making an impression?? What do you now tell yourself about ?measuring up??

These questions might lead you to a discussion of ?enoughness/not enoughness? and/or about your fear of really letting people get to know you. The important intention always remains: get to know yourself! Therefore, do not hesitate to let your writing wander where it will. Also, just when you thought you?d said it all write more.