Session X, part one:

Self-Absorption:

Protecting yourself through excessive self-centeredness.

The need to feel and be perceived as special is an experience common to most of us. However, the individual using self-absorption as a defense finds him or herself preoccupied with this need. It could be seen as a desperate (often insensitive) grab for power, success, beauty, and/or in the way we constantly turn the focus of everyone?s attention to us. This describes the individual who keeps bringing conversation back to them, who thinks their problems are bigger or more important than anyone else?s problems, who rarely feels well enough treated or regarded, who?s often very sensitive about the way you talk to them but not so sensitive about the way they speak to you!

You?re So Vain

Years ago I had to go into the hospital for a very serious operation. At the time I had a long-time friend with whom I?d had numerous falling outs over her being self-centered, still, for 18 years it was one of those relationships that kept promising to be something wonderful.

Several days before my surgery my friend and I had lunch at which point we talked a bit about my concerns.

I?d been in the hospital for three days when my husband let me know my friend had called to find out when my surgery was. Naturally, he explained to her that it had already occurred and that, in fact, I was currently suffering with a severe infection and was in pretty bad shape. She right away called me. At that point I was quite weak, had tubes going in and out of everywhere, and was in no mood for idle chitchat! My friend apologized for forgetting the dates of my surgery and said she?d actually done the same thing with her own mother some years back. I told that her I had indeed been disappointed not to hear sooner from her. She was extremely upset about my disappointment response. I noted we could certainly talk about this further when I got out of the hospital but just right then I didn?t really have the fortitude to go into a long conversation. She said sure and asked if she could visit. That would be lovely, I said.

My friend was at my bedside only a few moments when she started crying. I?m so upset that you?re mad at me because I forgot the dates of your surgery,? she wept. Really, I?d rather not discuss it right at this moment. It?s something we can take care of when I feel better. I?m just glad you?re here now. Let?s talk about something else, I replied. She pouted a bit but said Okay and we began to make small talk. Not ten minutes later my friend suddenly began to cry again: I just can?t believe you?re upset with me. Don?t you understand? Hospitals are really difficult for me! I was astonished and more than a little peeved: Well, no one particularly loves the hospital experience. Please listen to me ? I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS NOW. I just don?t feel up to it. Again, she pouted but agreed. But not ten minutes later she began again, crying about how upset she was at my disappointment in her. Have you not noticed; I said completely out of patience, that I?m laying, quite ill, flat on my back! Leave me alone.

At that point she left.

Over time I?ve had to look at the many self-absorbed people I?ve invited into my life. Of course it began with mom and flowed down from there. Eventually, as I healed my ?inner? relationship with my mother, the self-absorbed people drifted away (or stormed out!). Now I think enough of myself to count as friends those for whom mutuality is an important relationship element.

Check yourself out. Do you use self-absorption as a defense? Or do you surround yourself with others who do? Inter-dependence that includes sharing, mutual giving and thoughtfulness on both sides is the key to great relationship. Try it. You?ll love it.

TO MOVE OUT OF STUCKNESS AND INTO PERSONAL/PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS, WE BEGIN BY IDENTIFYING OUR OWN MAJOR DEFENSIVE POSTURES. NEVER FORGET THAT ALL DEFENSES ARE POTENTIALLY USEFUL. THE IDEA IS TO GAIN AUTHORITY OVER OUR DEFENSES IN ORDER TO USE THEM WISELY AND WELL. THEN, AS WE, ONE BY ONE, HEAL WHAT AILS US, LEARNING NEW RESPONSES AS WE DO, WE CAN SHARE WITH OTHERS WHAT WE HAVE DISCOVERED, THEREBY POSITIVELY AFFECTING THE WORLD AROUND US. THUS, OUR PERSONAL FREEDOM FROM STUCKNESS PROMISES FREEDOM TO THE BROADER COMMUNITY.

Spend a whole week noticing how much of any conversation you have shines the focus on you. Be thorough and truthful in your assessment. What do you talk about? Do you ask the other person questions? When you lose interest in what they?re saying what do you do?
Make a list of ways you can be of real service to others and begin slowly putting the things on that list into practice. Write about your response to what happens when you do this.
Are there ever times when you actually feel important (especially when it isn?t others making you the center of attention?)? What inspires that sense of importance?

To further explore the defense of Self-Absorption see Stuck In The Story No More pages 232-236, and The Stuck No More Workbook pages 45, 136-137, and 163.

A Closer Look

One thing is for sure ? if you use self-absorption as a defense you are living in tremendous fear. Obviously, you are compensating for your extreme lack of self-confidence and self-assuredness. When did all this fear begin? What was it like growing up in your household? Write about your feelings of unimportance. With whom is this most obvious? What do you think and feel about your own self-absorption?

Session X, part two:

Depression:

Projecting yourself through feelings of

emotional, mental, and/or physical paralysis

Wherever you go these days, it seems people are talking about being depressed. Anti-depressive drugs abound ? for adults, children and even for animals! Why is this? Is it that we are indeed more depressed than ever before, or is it simply a more recognizable, therefore more recognized disorder? Maybe it?s both. Or, there?s a third possibility. Perhaps depression has become a kind of scapegoat idea ? a description that allows us to sit back and wait for change, allows us to blame our discontent on outside forces, and to look for easy (pharmaceutical) answers.

I am in no way meaning to discount the many truly chemically imbalanced people who struggle with the intense diagnosis called depression. Rather, for those of you who perhaps too easily call your own or other?s emotional state ?depression,? I am challenging you to consider revising your description. We serve no one when we give up on proactive possibility. All-too-often that?s what the depression notion requests of us. ?I can?t because I am?I don?t because I am?I won?t because I am??

However you choose to see it, one particular hue and cry of mine is this: If you have been told you?re depressed by whomever and are on anti-depressants do yourself the favor of getting into therapy to discover the underlying causes. Guaranteed - even if it?s chemical, your depression is being exaggerated by these causes.

In a perfect world you would be able to see your depression as an announcement that something interiorly is afoot. In this view, depression becomes an ally; a friend warning you to look farther and deeper. You would assume it to be important to attend to that announcement. And you would begin immediately.

The Man Who Ran From Everything

Even though this is a ?popular? defense for many (especially the ones who are truly, vividly gripped with a chemical imbalance) this experience still holds great shame. As a result, particular shame-based individuals tend to hide their terrible secret. As you might imagine this masking process only exaggerates the awful feelings ? as in, I feel awful in and about the world and I feel even worse letting others know how awful I feel. Such a person tends to sink further and further down. Several years ago I had an indirect experience with such an individual.

Before me sat a beautiful, extremely bright, accomplished woman ? in great distress. One more time her boyfriend had cancelled ?important? plans in order to take to his bed. When this first began to happen (after their initial first few idyllic months together) she?d been full of compassion. She?d right away asked about anti-depressants but the man refused to take anything ?unnatural?. Only slightly daunted, and being a woman of action, she?d begun to search out remedies. Right foods to eat and proper herbs to take.

Audiotapes to listen to. Books to read. He was slightly willing, but in short order, she discovered that nothing worked. She went to his therapist with him ? hoping for answers. The therapist had few. She too had tried for years to convince the man about the efficacy of drug therapy and to move him in the psychological depth work necessary for real shift, but to no avail.

Nearly everything bothered the man ? even things like sounds. For instance, he could barely go to a movie theater because of the noise other people made ? eating popcorn or coughing or sneezing, and if he did go, it could only be in the afternoon when the fewest numbers would be there. Naturally, he had very little interest in sex, couldn?t make plans in advance (he might be depressed that day and be unable to attend a party or fly to a vacation), and often collapsed in depressive bed rest when ?bad? news came his way (a disappointing meeting). To hear of his agonies, it was nearly impossible to fathom this man?s willingness to endure his discomfort.

Still, he was steadfast in his decision?and as it turned out, in his attachment to the depression. Of course, HE would deny this attachment. Who?d want to feel this way! Yes, well, that was exactly the question.

All along there would be brief respites from the oppression. Then the man would be his funny, talented, enjoyable self. At these times the woman would reclaim hope. She wanted marriage and family. But these times were rare and short-lived, and so, things between the man and the woman deteriorated.

Time and again we dried the woman?s tears as she admitted knowing what she had to do, but felt herself unable to do it. The depression ran not only the man?s life, but had taken her hostage as well.

When Running Doesn?t Work Anymore

Depression is a cruel master. Whether in an extreme form ? like the depression described above ? or of a milder kind. No matter what, however, it can be penetrated ? if we are willing.

The first thing to do is to start telling some simple truths about how and what you feel. This, of course, will require that you go inside long enough to figure out those truths. You don?t need to ?spill your guts? or tell details. You can simply let people know that you?re angry, sad, lonely, tired, etc. Of course, this means you?ll have to give up the idea that no one cares, or people would pity you, or talking about it does no good or any of the other concoctions you?ve come up with to keep people away from you.
Stay current in your expression of these feelings. Letting them (secretly) accumulate inside you will only double your jeopardy.
Best of all, Take Contrary Action which means do the opposite of what you?ve been doing. Leave the house instead of hiding, go for a walk rather than staying in bed, write about what?s upsetting you instead of trying to shove the truth even further down inside.

To further explore the defense of Depression see Stuck in the Story No More pages 165-170, and The Stuck No More Workbook pages 28, 112-113, and 154.

A Closer Look

Most likely, your depression is being used as a weapon against long-felt, deeply-avoided fear or anger or both. Start facing these emotions now. Write about them. At this point in your life, what triggers them? What do you do when they come forward? How were those emotions greeted in your family of origin? Be really brave and start writing about childhood incidences that provoked these feelings.