Session I, part one: Fear
Everyone Has A Story
It?s easy to notice the way fear weaves in and out of most lives, fortunately touching but not completely trapping us. But for some, Fear is a more constant companion ? ruling inside and out. There are those that have a job they hate but are afraid to leave (for financial reasons), or an apparently dreadful relationship they?re afraid to pull themselves out of (for fear of loneliness reasons), or an old way of relating to the family they?re afraid to let go of (for fear of rocking-the-boat reasons). Do you have a compelling fear-based story? You?ll be able to tell if fear is a dominating defense for you by noticing the (excessive) amounts of time you spend worrying about outcome or focusing on worst-case scenarios? Fear seduces us by seeming in the moment powerfully irrefutable, but try to remember: Fear is truly just a feeling ? a feeling usually based on false evidence appearing real.Fear As The Tale That Wags The Dog
When using the defense of Fear, you protect yourself through persistent feelings of imminent (emotional or physical) danger.
Michelle awakened to the news that we were at Orange Alert. Buy duct tape, watch your back, batten down the hatches. She quickly became terrified. Immediately she began to consider her options. Perhaps, she reasoned, it would be prudent to close her business, sell her home and leave her partner as well as her long-standing community of friends in order to take her new baby out of this dangerous city and into a safer rural area. After all, if the terrorists were going to hit, they?d hit the big cities first. All her life Michelle had been riddled with fear. Now this ?reality? of impending danger was upon her and her remedy was to flee.
This is a true story. A story with which many readers can identify. What are we to do when faced with the so-called realities of our lives? Because the way we respond to life will always reflect our basic relationship to defense (and to the early stories that provoked the major defenses that drive each of us), it is vital that we understand both our behavior and the stories that originally promoted that behavior.
As we learn to better take charge of the ways our defenses direct us, we must always remember to do so respectfully. Every defense has the ability to assist us under certain circumstances. But when a defense becomes more thwarting than assisting ? when it keeps us stuck in old stories that suggest things such as: I must always be afraid because I?m certain life is out to get me. Constant vigilance is a must! ? then, we must go to any lengths to reduce the power of that defense. Most often, an understood defense is a manageable defense.
What Could Michelle Have Done In The Face Of Her Fear? First, Michelle could have recognized the extremity of her reaction. Unfortunately, when we?re knee-deep in defense, our reaction seems perfectly reasonable. Wouldn?t anyone feel the way we feel? Luckily, Michelle long ago realized how important control was to her. The way everything in her environment had to be just right ? everything in its right place. In fact, when things were awry, she?d typically go into a kind of panic.
Many of us worry the way Michelle worried ? about being out of control when it comes to how things will turn out in the end. The difficult truth is that we are NOT in charge of the chapters ending, but the good news is, we do have authority over the process leading to the ending. Start now to take charge of how you do what you do:
Show up where and when you say you will;
Speak your truth moment to moment (tell your friend you feel let down when she doesn?t return your calls);
Tell your partner how pushed away you feel when he neglects to notice your obvious mood shift; also, let your (specific) fears and feelings be known to those around you (because feelings only get stronger when kept a secret).
If you find yourself unable to follow any of the above offered suggestions, write about the feelings that arise out of the not doing anything differently!
Rewriting The Story
The best way to get a grip on your fear is to write about the childhood experiences that first provoked it. What was your household like? Was it a safe place to be, or did things there feel out of control? What particular incidents or times do you remember that left you feeling afraid?
Share these remembrances with someone you trust. What generally happens at that point is an experience of relief. For instance, Michelle quickly realized that in a country of 300 million her chance of being personally targeted by terrorist attack was actually slim, and that, in fact, her fear had less to do with today?s threat and more to do with her childhood memories of a family life that managed to be both volatile and rigid.
She started weighing the price of fear. Should she give up home, friends, business and partner? No, she quickly reasoned. She would not let her defensive fear demand that she sabotage the precious life she had built here.
To discover more about conquering the defense of Fear check out pages 149-156 in Stuck In The Story No More and pages 25, 107-109, and 153 in The Stuck No More Workbook.
A Closer Look
Make a list of the times, places and circumstances where you fear most fearful. What thoughts do you have at those times? What (fear-provoking) outcomes do you anticipate? Try to remember and write about your earliest fearful experiences. At this point, what Stuck No More tools have you chosen to combat your fear.
Session I, part two: ANGER
When using Anger as a defense you protect yourself with feelings of hostility.
We live in challenging times (financially, emotionally and literally). It seems that everywhere we turn we are barraged with angry conversation and aggressive behavior. Certainly, the events of 9/11 raised the collective temperature and even now the fires continue to burn. We felt powerless in the face of these events and in their aftermath. Our anger gives us temporary respite. It energizes us and thereby allows us to believe we are more effective than we truly feel ourselves to be. Shaking our fist feels like at least doing something! Unfortunately this is not, of course, true power. And worse still, it tends to undermine any real movement we might make. How, then, shall we free ourselves from the terrible stuckness that anger creates?
Everyone Has A Story
I was preparing for a trip and needed a pair of slip-on shoes. Being short of time, I thought I?d duck into a local shop on the way to work. I headed quickly to my destination and was just outside the glass-front store when a youngish, disheveled-looking man stepped in front of me. ?Do you have 75 cents?? he said. In a nanosecond a million things went through my head: All I have on me is $1. I?m in a hurry. He?s stoned. This is a con because who in the world asks for such a strange amount! ?No!? I replied firmly and started to pass him. He blocked my way. ?You stupid Bitch,? he said, the vitriol oozing from him like steam from a cracked radiator, ?you?re going to hell!? ?Get out of my way,? I replied taking a powerful stance inside and out. He snarled back, ?You?re such an ugly bitch. A witch bitch. You?re going to hell.? I could feel his rage like a magenta blast hitting all of me. ?Get out of my way,? I repeated even more strongly, ?or I?ll call the cops!? He crossed his arms over his chest like a petulant child. His shoulders undulated as he spoke: ?I am the cops, you bitch.? The woman inside the store, all the time occupied on her cell phone, could clearly see everything through the glass. At this point she simply closed the door. Obviously her plan was non-intervention! It was him and me in mortal combat. Gladiators to the end. Finally, though, he simply moved off.
As you can imagine, this incident gave me pause but not, perhaps, in the way you might think. My first question had to be: How was this experience a reflection of something (dark, angry, hungry, crazy) that lived in me? Certainly my instant, reflexive lack of generosity needed to be investigated. I could tell myself all day long that I had my reasons ? that I don?t believe in responding on the streets to such requests ? that after all I had only one dollar to begin with ? that I was in a hurry, etc. But the truth is that my response of ?No!? was aggressively delivered and powerfully maintained. What this (probably schizophrenic) fellow revealed to me was the ungracious, hostile way I was (at least at that moment) walking through the world. He was my mirror. For that, I truly thank him.
Is Anger Your Defense?
Do you find yourself reacting rather than responding? Are you suddenly infuriated and striking back (verbally, physically or even with angry petulant silence)? The healing comes when we learn to respond rather than react.
Still, for most of us anger is actually a cover-up ? a defense against fear and/or grief. (Hopefully you?ve begun the homework suggested in Part I with regards to Fear.) Instead of getting stuck in your anger, imagine what fear or grief you might be defending against. Is it something long-standing (daddy always blamed me for everything/the kids in school made merciless fun of me)? Here are some ways to start.
· Experiment with containing your temptation to spew at others.
· If you actually do speak, talk directly about how angry you feel and what you?d like to do about it (I want to scream/throw things/punch a hole in the wall). You will immediately find yourself better able to stop the outpouring.
· Look underneath the anger by asking yourself: If I were not feeling angry right, now what would I be feeling. Your answers are likely to include things such as: Let down/ disappointed/ ignored/ disrespected/ pressured/ anxious/ hurt, etc. Write your responses. Let the writing flow and go wherever it wants.
Rewriting My Story
If I had to do over again, I would have responded to the crazy, homeless man rather than react the way I did. Even, for instance, if I did not want to support his manner or lifestyle I could have come from compassion. Or perhaps, I could have paused, assessed him as crazy (rather than stoned), and given him my dollar. Above all, I needed to realize that anger (disguised in this case as a well-thought out staunch position!) was way over the top. My own personal fear here can be seen in my concern about being dependant on others for my well-being. In my harsher moments, I might be heard whispering (to myself) I take care of myself?why can?t everyone do that! I know very well this position lacks kindness. Certainly it does not reflect who I strive to be.
To acquire real tools for changing the power that your defenses potentially have over you, check out the Stuck No More Workbook. For specific Anger fighting tools see pages 65-71 (Stuck In The Story No More) and in the Workbook pages.7, 81-82 and 144.
Taking A Closer LookWhen are you most likely to get angry and about what? What do you do at those times?
If your anger is a brace against either fear or grief, which would it be? Remember what you?ve already discovered about when fear began. Now write about when grief started. What tools have you chosen to combat your tendency to use anger as a defense?